rudra34 Posted May 10, 2015 Report Share Posted May 10, 2015 I'm bored, so very, very bored, and I can't find the old joke thread. Make me laugh, I'll start things off. A pro golfer who was passed his prime decided it was time for him to retire. At his press conference, a reporter asked him what the secret to his years of success in the game had been. "Well," he said, "I always had a knack for guessing the taint, and because of that I never had any trouble choosing which club I needed for my next shot." Slightly confused, the reporter sat down and wrote the man's answer in his notebook. Another reporter stood up and asked what had given the man the most trouble. "Well," he said, "wind was always difficult for me, because a sharp breeze can really change the way that the ball will cross the taint." Even more confused than the first reporter, the second sat down, and wrote down the answer in his notebook. A third reporter stood and finally asked the man what he meant when referring to the "taint." The man, looking stunned by the question, replied, "What are you people, idiots?! The taint is the distance between the ball and the hole!" Yuk yuk yuk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PourSpelur Posted May 10, 2015 Report Share Posted May 10, 2015 Continuing golf theme: Three older gentlemen go out golfing. First one hits the ball really high and a breeze blows it off the course. First guy "Sure is windy today" Second guy "Wednesday? No it's Thursday" Third guy "You're thirsty too? Let's get a beer" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don't Panic Posted May 10, 2015 Report Share Posted May 10, 2015 if you're ever cold stand in the corner for a while. Its usually around 90 degrees. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudra34 Posted May 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2015 Well, I'm not quite laughing, but I have let out a couple of deep sighs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don't Panic Posted May 10, 2015 Report Share Posted May 10, 2015 sorry my jokes go from very geeky to very inappropriate really fast... i just dont want to get booted lol. two bats were hanging on a branch. one asks the other 'what was the worst day of your life?' the other bat replies 'the day i woke up with diarrhea!' 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfestedKerrigan Posted May 10, 2015 Report Share Posted May 10, 2015 Why didn't Superman save the Twin Towers? Because he was in a wheel chair. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Trainer Posted May 10, 2015 Report Share Posted May 10, 2015 Ever wonder how to catch a Tiger? Well: 1) You dig a pit in the Jungle 2) You then line the bottom of the pit with ash 3) Place some meat in the center of the pit 4) When the Tiger comes to look down inside the pit, simply jump out of the bushes and kick him in the ash hole. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted May 11, 2015 Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 So, apparently, when Miley Cyrus is naked and licking a hammer, she's "artistic" and "musical", but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "no longer welcome in Home Depot". 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted May 12, 2015 Report Share Posted May 12, 2015 So you sell thesauruses?Affirmative.How's it going?They're vending like scorching gateaux. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PumpkinHead Posted May 12, 2015 Report Share Posted May 12, 2015 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you get when you cross a river with a canoe? The other side. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romans832 Posted May 13, 2015 Report Share Posted May 13, 2015 Did you hear about the Mexican magician? He yelled "Uno! Dos!" Suddenly there was a poof and he disappeared without a tres. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mightyatom13 Posted May 14, 2015 Report Share Posted May 14, 2015 What is the difference between a terrorist training facility and a Pakistani pre-school? How should I know? I only fly the drone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mightyatom13 Posted May 14, 2015 Report Share Posted May 14, 2015 Did you hear that the FBI is looking for a midget psychic? There is a small medium at large. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted May 14, 2015 Report Share Posted May 14, 2015 Where do Jewish Vikings go when they die? Val-Challah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted May 15, 2015 Report Share Posted May 15, 2015 I'm very disappointed. When the flyer said “come watch the great dane cook live", I wasn’t expecting a white man telling bad jokes. I thought I payed $50 to watch a dog prepare a meal. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfestedKerrigan Posted May 15, 2015 Report Share Posted May 15, 2015 It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfestedKerrigan Posted May 15, 2015 Report Share Posted May 15, 2015 What's a physicists favorite food? Fission Chips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted May 22, 2015 Report Share Posted May 22, 2015 What do you call it when a couple goes out, but the guy is broke so the woman has to pay for it? An unfunded-man date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudra34 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2015 Steak puns are a rare medium well done. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfestedKerrigan Posted May 22, 2015 Report Share Posted May 22, 2015 I'm very disappointed. When the flyer said “come watch the great dane cook live", I wasn’t expecting a white man telling bad jokes. I thought I payed $50 to watch a dog prepare a meal. I told this one to a coworker, and he didn't get it. I was so excited that he didn't know who Dane Cook was that I didn't care about the fail. Dane Cook is my Nickleback. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted May 23, 2015 Report Share Posted May 23, 2015 So, if a Gender Neutral person is in the closet about their Gender Identity, does that make them a Hidden Agender? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted May 28, 2015 Report Share Posted May 28, 2015 What does the Hamburgler call his alarm clock? A Robble Rouser. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Glacius Posted June 4, 2015 Report Share Posted June 4, 2015 Guy walks into an ice cream parlor and the counter person asks, "What can I get for you?" The customer looks around for a minute and they says, "Give me two scoops of chocolate." A little embarrassed, the counterman replies, "I'm sorry sir, we are all out of chocolate today. Can I interest you in something else?" "Oh yeah, no problem...just give me a minute.......okay, how about two scoops of chocolate?" "Sir, I just said we are all out of chocolate...very sorry, but no chocolate. If there is something else? "Oh man..yeah you did just say...sorry...being a little flaky today. Hmmmm....let me see....how about.....two scoops of chocolate?" "Okay sir, let me try this another way...Can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?" "uh...yeah..v a n." "Okay great..now can you spell 'straw' in strawberry?" "S t r a w" "Super, doing great. Now, can you spell the 'f*ck' in chocolate?" "There's no 'f*ck' in chocolate..." "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WestRider Posted June 17, 2015 Report Share Posted June 17, 2015 Why did Teclis side with the other mages against Tyrion? Hoeth before Broeth. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jayne_Cobbb Posted June 24, 2015 Report Share Posted June 24, 2015 I made up a new joke! What does the Pope use to clean the I side of his computer? Canonized air! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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